Channel One Russia
Nikita Mikhalkov`s THREE T Studios
present
vladimir KHOTlNENKO`s film
Sergei MAKOvETSKY
Marat BASHAROv
Andrei KRASKO vladislav GALKlN
Sergei GARMASH lgor LlvANOv
Chulpan KHAMATOvA, Dmitry ULYANOv, Stanislav NlKOLSKY
Written by valery ZALOTUKHA Co-written by vladimir KHOTlNENKO
Based upon Alexander POKROvSKY`s books
Painting the mat, eh?
Director of Photography - llya DYOMlN RGG
You were told to wash it.
- lt`s nice this way, sir. - lt`ll crack.
So we`ll paint it again.
Pardon me, the iron, but that`s it.
Production Designer - Konstantin MELNlKOv
Sound by Sergei SASHNlN
Captain! Saturday we go to sea.
They`ve called from the HQ.
Sorry, dear Katyusha. Where`s my cap?
Music by Ennio MORRlKONE
ln the water, Captain.
Catch my cap, everybody!
- Yes, sir! - Mukhambetov, take the hook!
Mukhambetov, don`t fall into the water.
Produced by Anatoly MAXlMOv, Konstantin ERNST, Leonid vERESCHAGlN
Don`t stare! The circus is gone!
72 METRES
The crew, walk on!
One, two, three!
Orchestra! `Slav Girl Farewell!`
The crew! Emergency dive!
-Where is our boat? -We`ll dive without one.
Reveille!
What?
Can any of you interpret dreams?
SLAv GlRL
Who is crawling down there?
Unless our navigator is here at eight,
l`ll turn his furry side in, same to others!
Got it.
Wait.
Unless our navigator
is here at eight, Yanychar
will turn his furry side in, same to others. Find him!
`Young to Poupyr: Rap will prevail!
`Hi, Poupyr! Here l work my guts out,
`so l decided to hit the bottom for half an hour.`
Fresher!
`We have all sorts here,
`including the Kuldiukis twins.
`They listen to pop-singers and every now and then
`they knock each other`s thinkers.
`What about you, people? We go to sea soon.
Come here!
`My love to Chick, Chance, Bucks, Kostya, Barry Sisters...`
- You know our navigator? -A cheerful one?
Way too cheerful. Run to the hostel, room 22.
Unless he is back here at eight, Yanychar
gonna turn his furry side in, same to all of us. Clear?
- On the double! - Yes, sir!
What is this?
Afish, comrade captain.
Obviously not a scorpion. What is it?
Gas analyzer.
This fish is very oxygen sensitive.
Don`t you trust your instruments?
They`re not so reliable as nature.
l need an expert in chemistry, not in... husbandry.
Young warrant officer is a shellfish
without a shell.
He either dies or grows a shell.
l`ll teach you to crawl!
`The word `crawl` is very popular here.
`lt means... next to everything.
`Tell Cucumber he`s not a rapper but ajerk.`
Here sailors are trained
how to leave submarine through torpedo units...
Will he squeeze in?
You will, if you want to live.
Will he go up same as torpedo?
l`m afraid, the charge is different.
Scuba diver catches a buoy rope
and uses moussings...
What is moussings?
What?
Moussings are special knots on the rope.
Just knots?
lt is not that simple.
A diver catches these moussings,
and moves up like a pregnant cuttlefish on thin ice.
- Moving slowly. - Slowly?
Otherwise - caisson disease.
Warrant officer Mikhailov!
Keep on with the excursion:
l`ve many otherthings to attend.
- My apologies. - No, apologies are mine.
Thanks a lot!
Chernenko.
Warrant officer Mikhailov.
Krauz... has some German roots?
As German as one can be.
Atypical Russian naval officer.
Officers` hostel
- Cruising for bruising? - Hi.
- ls captain Orlov here? - Celebrates his birthday.
- Today`s his birthday? - For 2 weeks on end.
Where can he be?
lt`s time he settled down in a guardroom. Got it?
- Yes. - So relax and chew sawdust!
Yes!
- Did l give it to you already? -What?
AS1, antistressant. One pill two times a day.
What about two pills?
- Possible, but not advisable. -What about three pills?
Possible, but strongly unadvisable.
Pump in water!
- Fancy for earrings? -What?
Golden earrings with embedded rubies.
They are nice. Selling them for a song.
No?
Guardhouse
We may go free, great people.
-What is this stinkaroo? - lt`s rap.
Music is crummy, but l like the words:
`We are made of special stuff. lt`s about us, submarine guys.
Unless you are back by the flag hoisting,
the captain will turn your furry side in,
same forthe rest of us.
- Throw it on thejunk. -Why?
You go forthe mission -your battery goes dead.
This is real watch!
A German trophy.
My grandpa confiscated it from a German officer.
You say `furry side in`? Gena can do it...
Legkostupov! The meaning of your name is
`airy, fluent`.
Why did you spell `frock` like `frog`,
greatcoat like `greetcoat`... Are you kidding?
There are words in Russian language, many words.
You put them together and make sentences
with a subject, a predicate and the rest.
And all this is the great Russian language!
Understand?
Yes, captain!
So: the Russian language is great.
Make predicate and subject trade places -
you get intonation...
or `bitterly our mother cries`.
Understand? This is poetry!
lt`s epos, mother`s beaver!
And there are one-word sentences:
Raining. Snowing. Dusking...
- You see? - Yes, captain!
When l read what you`ve written,
my most private areas start itching.
One may break his cock from reading this.
l`d treat yourteacher like our doggy tore my slipper!
- l was taught in my school. - Sure thing.
l wish they were as clear...
Gennady...
SLAv GlRL
At ease!
Katyusha, what happened? l`ve bought potatoes.
You have forgotten your mug.
Thanks.
`People can`t see there exist some lofty things.
`All those sects, communists, fascists:
`they try to wash our brains with their manifestos.
`But they don`t know we are made of different stuff.`
- l can manage myself. - Sure, you`re a grown-up.
You`re full of mischief, Gena. What a person!
l mean the way you behave.
-Where are you from? - SM.
Space Medicine lnstitute.
- Space? - Exactly.
But since they wrap up space programs,
l was sent to your submarine.
All right. There are no outsiders in our boat.
So, root yourself in, as our commander says.
But l have my research program to attend.
You know, your program is fine...
-Are you a doctor? - ln a way...
So, it is your line...
lt`s like this...
We have been sent from Norway,
as a lend-lease aid, you know, a batch of latex girls.
You know, inflated rubber girls...
lt is strong latex. 3 mm, the average size.
- For what? - Not for what, but for whom.
Forthe captain and forthe mate.
But keep it underthe hat, since the batch is small
The crew somehow manages, but these guys...
-Are you kidding? - Not at all.
They`ve no you-know-what for 6 months on end.
- So you have to receive them. -Where shall l receive them?
At the storage facility. l`ll show you the way.
Are you from the `Slav Girl` too?
- That`s right. - Never seen you.
-Which cell? - Machine cell.
That`s why you smell of solar oil.
- Your name? - My name?
- Yes, your name. - Fresher.
- Not an old-timer, sure. - No, that`s my name.
- Bad name. -Why?
A not-by-the-book name. lt`ll do during yourfirst year,
But then you`ll be made a laughing stock. lt`ll be hell foryou.
- Now we`ll surely be late. - Never.
- He`s one of our crew. - That`s right.
- 1st cell commander. - So, hop into the car.
- On the double! -What about you?
l prefer cars with an air conditioner
and a safety bag.
- Follow order! - Yes, sir!
- Good afternoon, sir. - Get in.
The crew, dress!
Attention!
Thanks, Mitrich!
The crew of`Slav Girl` Submarine
is ready for exercises.
Everybody is present
but the commander of cell 1.
Lieutenant Orlov.
At ease.
At ease!
Good afternoon, comrade captain!
Same to you.
So, have you been debriefed already?
Yes, but there is a little predicament.
What predicament?
-Women... -What women?
From Norway. Lend-leased latex girls.
Foryou and forthe mate.
They say they`ve run out of them.
Well, my dear busters,
Won`t l pepperyour asses!
Comrade captain, Lieutenant Orlov
reporting!
So, you`re in time, my dovey.
Well, guys, God be with us!
Hold your positions, unhook from moorings!
Get down! Stand by for diving!
Awoman onboard is a bad sign.
- Look who is talking. - Don`t get pissed off.
l`ll introduce you to a nice broad when we`re back.
Depth 40 meters with 5 degrees different to the bow.
Take the main ballast. 12 knots.
1 meter...
9 meters. 5 degrees different.
10 meters...
Comrade rear admiral, captain on duty Ershov reporting.
- Captain, what is the search zone? - Search zone is 270-090.
They admire atomic ice breakers,
but l`ll tell you... Careful, your head!
Certain tactical tasks
can be only resolved by our `Swallow` submarines.
Load oranges by the cratefuls.
This is our mess-room.
We eat here in three shifts. 8 or 9 persons.
We have even bought an aquarium.
The 1st class compartment doors.
May l.
lndeed.
- Easy, easy. - Don`t be afraid.
ls it allowed to drink vodka?
vodka? No.
lt`s salty water.
His first diving. lt`s initiation.
Bottoms up!
Good. You will never forget this day.
Yes, l`ll be remembering this day
until... all my life.
- May l? - `Allow me, sir.`
Allow me, sir...too.
Go for it.
l had a dream since l was a boy.
Now it is coming true...
l am becoming a sailor.
-A submariner. -A sailor. A submariner.
lf you were born by the sea,
lts beauty you will always praise:
White masts that loom At the mooring
And distant towns in a haze.
Southern nights dearfor me.
The bluest sea in the world,
Oh my Black Sea, my Black Sea. 01:27:06:2,01:27:09:18,-Well? - Two of them.
What about these ones?
Baby-dolls, unveil yourfaces.
Peter, come over here.
- Sixteen. - Take the change.
Hey, lvan.
l bet she`s gonna be my wife.
- Hello. -Who are you?
Lieutenant Peter Orlov!
-What about you? - l am Nelly.
Great.
What are you reading, Nelly?
- Take a guess. - l will.
`Longren, a sailorfrom Orion, a 300 tons strong brig,
`where he had served for 10 years
`and which he loved like it were his mother,
`at last had to resign...`
lt`s either Maxim Gorky
or early Tolstoy.
-Alexander Green. `Crimson Sails`. -Anyone down there?
Nobody! Miss, wait! Miss, will you marry me?
Let go!
- Nelly... - Let go, lvan.
vanya...
lvan.
Comrades submariners,
our mission is to destroy a flagship
of a maneuver enemy.
Than to dodge the chase
and remain unnoticed for 24 hours.
Hopefully, our crew will show its combatant valour,
accomplish the mission and prove it`s not for nothing
they call our submarines `black holes`.
Excuse me,
why `black hole`?
`Black hole`?
- That`s simple. - But nojokes, please.
lt`s practically impossible to hear our submarine
at low revolutions. We move stealthily,
like in ajoke: We`ll go down from the mountains...
Sound of propellers, bearing 270 degrees.
The target is nearing.
Battle alarm! Torpedo attack!
Attacking surface target!
Deep water shooting with self-guided torpedoes!
Prepare for shooting pieces 1 and 2.
- Cell 6 ready. - Cell 5 ready.
- Cell 4 ready. - Cell 3 ready.
- Cell 2 is ready. - Cell 1 is ready.
Central cell standing by.
Torpedoes are ready for shooting.
- Submarine is ready for battle. -Acoustic, navigator, bios...
...stopwatches - stand by!
Zero.
Target 1. Make the first measurement.
Average data:
heading 48, speed 20, distance 740 m.
Heading 50. Speed 20.
Average elements of movement approved,
enter data into bios
Depth 40, different zero.
- The first is ready. - Get prepared!
Yes, sir!
Fire.
Torpedoes are out. Warheads in place.
Target 1 - noise level unchanged.
Torpedo timing is 60 seconds.
Torpedo timing is 93 seconds.
Noise of torpedo and target merged.
Comrades submariners! Torpedo shooting is accomplished.
l thank the crew for evincing marine skill.
Start dodging.
Heading 200, average speed.
We`ve done it.
No way they`ll find us now, mother`s beaver.
Attention! Now a birdie...
will fly out!
l`m conducting a research.
-What? -A research.
Why bother me when l`m off duty?
Can`t l have a break and read the Regulations?
Nelly and l are getting married.
l will tell you one thing
and you will change your mind.
- Say it. - She loves me.
But l will be the father of her children.
- How many? -At least three.
l have neverthought one can lose a friend
over a broad.
Broads are many, and you`ve only one friend.
She`s also only one.
Nevermind l`m so lean. l`ve strong lungs.
l`ll blow the balloon till it explodes.
- Yes? - Yes.
ln this case - good bye.
Now you hit me. Come on!
- Come on! -Who are you?
Why should l hit you?
Me?
l am Peter Orlov, yourfriend.
l`ve no friends. l`ve never heard about no Peter Orlov.
l am very sorry.
Why the ice?
Otherwise it may boil.
Sometimes it is too hot here.
- Do you change the water? - Sure thing.
She is a full-scale crew member.
l know drinking water is scarce at submarines.
So, she`s a full-scale crew member
and lives in the sea water.
Silence mode...
Hush.
Knocking sound on the port side, captain.
What kind of sound?
Can`t say for sure.
Look around in the cells.
Cell 7 checked, no problems.
Cell 6 checked, no problems.
All cells checked, Captain.
All seems normal, comrade captain.
Comrades officers,
Raise your glasses, feather oars!
To the newly weds!
l`d hit some vodka now.
A groom shouldn`t drink at his wedding.
l am not lvan, but Peter.
Kiss the bride!
One, two, three...
Eleven! Twelve!
Thirteen!
Be happy!
Katya...
Emergency alarm.
What made you afraid? Everything is all right.
Come. Youjust saw a bad dream...
Everything isjust fine...
Water. Why water?
lt`s a disaster, captain, we have sunk.
-What disaster? - Something exploded.
-What exploded? -A mine.
- l heard it`s a mine. - Heard from whom?
l don`t know. Just heard them shouting.
-Are we going to die? - Sure, but not now,
in a hundred years, when we`re old geezers.
Now look here, Fresher.
l go first, you follow me in two seconds.
One...
Two...
Hey, `Slavs`!
ls anybody there?
Turn it off, youjerk!
Shut up and lighten yourself.
- O-o, it`s you. - lt`s me. Chernenko.
Give it to me.
He was giving us pills.
Antistressant. Keeps your spirits higher...
Really? Not lower?
No, higher! Confirmed by clinic tests.
Are you wailing after taking a too many of your pills?
l`m not wailing. l`m singing.
- Singing what? -A song.
l always sing, when it is ... spooky.
You sing again - l`ll bust your singing piece in. Clear?
lt is waterproof.
l specially bought it.
Can you explain to me what happened?
Why should l? Dive!
lt`s not a real crash, okay? lt`s a make-believe alarm.
- Make-believe? - Sure thing.
Make-believe sinking.
- Make-believe? - Yeah, it`s maneuvers.
lt`s sham sinking
after being chased by a sham enemy ship.
- Sham sinking? -All things sham in the navy,
except eating.
`Slav Girl` is missing.
lt`s Yanychar, l`m not surprised.
But the exercise time is over.
Gena knows no standards.
He accomplished his mission to remain unnoticed.
And again he has broken the rules.
-What about the brass? - They think hard.
We had graduated from the same school.
Back then he was a legend already.
This Yanychar of yours is a miscreant.
lf l had my way with him...
Nobody can have his way with Gena.
Can you dive without our help?
l did some diving in Turkey and passed instructions here.
Don`tjerk with your legs too much in the water.
Next diver`s head is right behind you.
-Where are we going now? - To the mess-room.
Maybe there is another scholar guy stuck there.
What`s wrong with you?
Calm down. Let us read something.
What haven`t we read?
`She felt no fear,
`she knew that nothing bad could happen to him.
`Assol was still the same little girl
`who had her own way of praying.`
Mama, read louder, l do not sleep anyway,
and Gena is a sound sleeper.
l will stay with him.
-What do you mean? - You know what l mean.
Fresher!
l thought that was the end. l got cramps in my leg.
-Where is Fresher? -We were hit by a strong wave!
Have you been conceived by a flaccid prick, scholar?
Didn`t l tell you: nojerking with your legs.
Fresher, are you okay?
- l`m fine. - Never mind.
We`ll shall yet break-dance with you.
`We`re made of different stuff, right?
Some scholar.
The road between Moscow and Leningrad is lousy with them.
l know why you elbowed your way to the submarine.
l know your kind.
You wanted triple salary, right?
You, scorpion.
You shouldn`t have said this.
You don`t know a thing about me.
- Nor do l want to. - But your status...
- Status of a soldier? - l do not think it`s funny.
You`re right, status of a defender of my country.
But whom should l defend here?
Myself.
- Your self?. - Myself.
Explain to me:
why the heck l should defend you?
Because you have your straps, and l haven`t.
So what?
lt is your duty to defend citizens of your country.
Whetheryou like them or not.
- ls it clear now? - Clear.
Aren`t you a Ukrainian guy by any chance?
l`m Russian. Why?
We had a guy named Chan -
also a Russian.
But he turned out to be a Ukrainian, an ex-politician.
Comrades submariners! Today we may at last say
that our cherished dream came true.
Now we, citizens of the free Ukraine,
possess the sea, the sun and this sacred land.
We are no longer somebody else`s granary
feeding our hungry and lazy big brother,
who is fond of drinking into the bargain.
After some time our country
will become like Slavic France or Canada.
Where is lvan?
Nelly is in heavy labours.
Today we are all to face heavy labours.
Captain lvanov!
- Yes, sir! - You, pubic bone...
ljoin the military
and pledge solemnly to the Ukrainian people
to be a loyal and faithful officer,
to protect Ukraine, its sovereignty...
To abide in good faith
Ukraine`s Constitution and its laws,
to keep the state and military secrets.
l pledge to perform my duties
in the interests of my compatriots,
neverto betray the Ukrainian people.
Captain Konovalenko!
After lvanov you, Konovalenko, have no choice.
Olga won`t forgive you.
Captain Konovalenko!
Mikola, you promised to your wife and in-laws.
They are not here now.
You have your house and garden here.
You prefer naked sands and polar night
and rachitis foryour kids?
Those willing to take a pledge to Ukraine
-two steps forward.
The others follow me!
Yanychar, wait!
Hold your people! lt is an order!
You darned condom. Orchestra!
- `Slav Girl Farewell`! - Yes, sir!
The crew, march on!
l got frightened!
This is a pretty sham sinking!
l thought they were alive, but they were all dead!
Shut up! Why didn`t you tell me the truth?
Where`s the commander?
- Commander. - You didn`t tell me the truth!
You need the truth?
All right.
The third cell is flooded, same as the second one.
lf the first one is flooded too,
we are the only survivors.
And ourturn will also come soon...
You know:
`The world paid so little attention to him
`that he considered himself a dead man`.
What?
What are you going to do?
Will you bring here some light.
Give me a hand.
- Comrade captain... - Here.
Wind gets stronger, 20 meters per second.
Turbulence 5 points. visibility reduced down to 5,5 km.
Continue the search in the defined area.
Start sending signals in keeping with the instructions.
Mukhambetov. Have you taken the pliers?
What do you mean: `where`?
ln our language it means `yes`.
Roman cleans the debris, Put the hardware on torpedoes.
Deryugin, how are you?
Those rooting for `Spartak` are never stuck.
`Spartak` is the champion!
We are all champions here.
- Let it be light! - Mukhambetov, you are the best.
l wonder, lvan Alekseevich,
the boat is a mess, but the eggs are intact.
They lie quietly in their cells.
An egg is the nature`s mystery.
- The partition door is locked! - Have you tried to open it?
l have. They did not let me turn the rack gear.
- Have you knocked? - Yes.
- So? - They knocked me back.
Rap shall win!
- How many breathers do we have? - Twelve.
- Twelve? - Exactly.
Let us try it again:
you go first and l follow you.
Or vice versa.
We may knock, but l think
they will not let us in.
Why not?
By the Book, they`ve no right to let us in.
l wonder why?
Because it is prohibited by Sl!
Attention, l`m commander of cell 3.
lf you hear me, answer.
l repeat: lf you hear me, answer.
We hearyou very well.
l am sailor Fresher.
lt may be one-way Communication.
lf you hear me - give a knock.
How many of you are there?
Two, it seems.
Or he surfaced to get some air.
You have so many abbreviations: HPA.
High pressure air.
-And Sl? -What do you need it for?
You never know.
Survival lnstructions read:
no letting in.
- Categorically. - Of course it`s a risk, but...
We may all get drowned here.
Ten is betterthan two.
Nikolai,
suppose it was you behind the partition?
l wouldn`t knock in their place.
Attention! We`re getting ready
to let you in. Clear?
At first we give you HPA.
By this time the doorto cell 3 should be open. Clear?
Watch the level to be reduced.
On reaching the third cell, batten yourselves down,
give us a knock and stand by.
Clear?
Give HPA!
Align pressure between the cells.
Legkostupov, be careful!
l hope you all know how to blow the air?
Fresher!
Quickly to the partition door.
When the level reduces, batten yourself down.
- ln 1986 boat 320... - l remember.
An 0.5 difference smashed 3 people against the wall.
Pressure in cells reached seven point five.
Ready?
l count to three.
On three we open the door.
One,
two,
three!
`ln this respect Assol
`was the same little girl
`who would every morning whisper:
`Good morning, God!` and `Good night, God!`
`ln her mind this little was enough
`forthe God to keep away all her misfortunes.
`She knew that God was busy with other mlns of people
`and minor shadows of life
`she should take patiently...`
A child was born and made his first step,
and his first words were `Spartak`
`Spartak` is the best.
l root for `Locomotive`.
We`ll make you warm and reform you.
The song makes things prosper.
All in your cell safe?
l battened down in time.
l was dead asleep and woke up right in the water.
- Seen anybody? - Yes.
Gena?..
l came on behalf of the Commander.
lt`s not even me, it is the baby who gets nervous.
And you left him behind?
No, he is here with me.
Usually he is quiet, but today...
l even read a book to him...
- Did it help? - For a while.
You know... They`ll give you a lift now
and then you`ll go to sleep,
- ...sleep like an angel. - Like an angel?
Yes. Because exercises proceed as planned,
there is a contact with the submarine.
Your husband has successfully completed shooting...
Shooting...
l may send him your love during next contact.
There is no need to do this.
lt`s not me, it`s the baby who gets nervous.
l see...
Now you`ve a sin on your soul.
You wanted me to tell herthe truth?
Wait a second.
l know where to look forthem.
Have you sent our coordinates to the HQ?
The emergency buoy has been torn away by the storm.
We can`t radio them from underwater.
We have to surface. Or at least to nearthe surface.
Which we can`t do. We can only... knock.
But we have to do something!
Do l irritate you?
Me? No.
Thanks. Because even taxi drivers
stop talking to me after a while.
- May l? -Why not.
- Don`t be too gluttonous. - Yes.
Tomorrow we`ll be leaving through torpedo sections.
- Tomorrow? - Tomorrow.
-We`ll be using moustings. - Moussings, you shitty scholar!
Treat yourself, Captain.
Comrade Commander, may l?
l have known Yanychar since military school.
Speak to the point.
l am sure: despite his mischief
he would never leave the assigned area...
Evidently the submarine was moved away by underwater currents.
He should be somewhere here.
-Are you sure? - Yes.
72 meters. Not far away from home.
Comrade commander,
there are 12 breathers, and we are 13.
Does it mean that someone stays behind?
l even know who stays behind.
Me?
Everybody rests. Wake up time at six a.m.
Who is to be the thirteenth one?
- Haven`t yet decided. - Let it be me.
Why?
lt all happened because of me.
Not because of me personally, because of this watch.
Your granddad gave it to you before his death:
you said you wanted to become a submariner.
- l`ve heard this story. - Not exactly.
When l told him l wanted to be a submariner,
he said: `No way!
`And no watch foryou!`
And he died afterthat. He was a very obnoxious person.
- He did not like submariners? - He hated them.
His girlfriend had walked out on him with a submariner.
So when he was lying in the coffin, ljust...
- Lifted the watch? - He did not need it anyway.
He was dead already!
What a man! You`re still full of surprises.
So it is all because of me.
-Why? - Can`t you see?
My granddad went to war in this area,
he set mines. So it was his mine!
- His mine? - He has taken revenge on me!
Because of the watch! Now is it clear?
Yes. Go to sleep.
Chernenko, what kind of a song do you sing
when you feel afraid?
My mother`s.
Sing it now.
l can`t go to sleep.
-Will you? - Oh, no.
Don`t be too proud...
See, you have a mother. You said you were lonely.
My mother is dead.
l am sorry.
Comrade commander!
Tell us some story. You have a way of telling funny stories.
A screamer, eh. Just the right time forfunny stories.
OK, you deserve it.
l`ll tell you a fairy tale.
Not about a cockerel, but about a cow.
This was not long ago, but long ago, it seems.
Our army seemed to be almost done for.
And it still seems almost done for.
Some army: people were afraid to wear uniforms.
They`d steal and trade everything,
from old underwear to secret torpedoes,
at the same price, mind you.
Officers became bandits, bankers, politicians.
But only two orthree persons had left Gena...
So to survive through the winter
we went to a collective farm to dig some potatoes.
Comrade commander, they`ve brought empty sacks.
l say, empty sacks...
l and Gena doubled in at an old lady`s.
And her cow was even older,
nobody milked it for a hundred years,
so the old lady decided to have it slaughtered.
Somehow our citizens are convinced
that a Russian mariner
may slaughter anybody, even a cow.
l`ll fry some liverforyou
and make steaks. Only slaughter my beloved cow, pretty please.
Granny Manya, how can l ever do it?
l am a submariner.
l had no wish
to slaughter her beloved cow.
l am fond of animals since childhood.
Please, do it, my dear.
-Will you offer me a bottle? - Two bottles!
Today they paid my daughter with pepper vodka.
Well...
`Bandmaster`.
-What? - l found a concertina.
Take it. You are welcome.
We had a miner, his name was...
never mind his name...
He`d slaughter his own brother,
let alone a cow, for a bottle,
very well.
So l went to look for him, but he was nowhere to be found.
So l went to Gena...
-Will she give us vodka? - Two bottles!
We`ll do this!
- The cow has a heart... - on the left side...
On the left side.
lf we put her on her hind legs,
it will be on the left side...
But also the cow has horns.
Too bad.
Yes.
How about cracking a bottle first?
Comrade captain.
You were looking for me? A problem with a cow?
- Comrade captain, may l? - Go ahead.
There is another way of killing it. A secret weapon.
Explosion... No...
Guided action. Here it is...
The newest development.
lt all depends on where you place the charge.
lf you place it underthe cow`s tail,
it will be cut into two equal parts.
lf you fix it to her horns,
the explosion will be as strong
as a hammer blow from the local smith.
To the horns!
A bit to the right. Not to hurt her eyes.
Everything will be all right, commander.
l was right: the submarine was not on a firm ground.
ls it on a firm ground now?
Now it is.
l nearly had a yellow streak.
Me, too.
So afterthis story
the cow started giving milk.
l bit my tongue.
We hit the bottom, but we are together,
and Spartak is the best!
Spartak is the best!
Golden fish, keep us all alive...
l am not afraid, not at all.
Maybe a little bit.
Board 26! Here is the principal direction of the search.
The sector 90 - 090...
We are going out by threes.
The first and the last will be the most experienced ones.
l will stay in.
When you all surface,
captain Orlov will go back here
with a breather, and we go up together...
Captain, what about your diving suit?
- No more questions. - Yes, sir.
Comrade captain,
my breather is defective.
Same with mine.
And with mine, too.
Krauz, you were in charge of breathers, weren`t you?
Yes.
Have you checked them?
Have they been in order?
Don`t you have anything to tell us?
l report:
l had no time to sell this,
l should have left them with my daughter.
My wife said: Wearthem yourself, Hans.
l promised, when our daughter was born... with rubies.
Unpaid debts - is a bad sign. l shouldn`t have taken them along.
- Tie him up! -With what?
Gimme the scarf.
Don`t. Don`t humiliate me, Peter.
Why, Nikolai?
Nikolai!
A knuckle sandwich will tell him about discipline.
Lieutenant Orlov! Discipline goes as follows:
you are the last sailor in my cell!
The last sailor?
Do you know who is to be the last but one?
So, brothers, you have blown it!
- You were receiving the breathers? - Lieutenant Orlov!
Stop it!
- Restore power supply. - Yes.
Mukhambetov! Follow me with the instruments!
Playing dolls with them? Hit them in the mugs!
Better late, than never.
- Say it! -We were standing...
- Go on! - Then he came up and said:
`Let`s go and receive breathers.`
We took a truck and set off.
We would stop every now and then.
Why? What for?
When Krauz saw someone passing by
he would tell the driver to stop and he`d go out.
Then he went out and ordered us to go
and get the breathers.
Get the breathers. Go!
Yes, sir!
- He tried to sell earrings. - You know, captain...
Krauz`s wife two-times him with a kiosk guy,
because he has heaps of money, and a sailor has empty pockets,
although he has ten autonomous missions to his credit.
Krauz loves his wife,
and they have a daughter... So he started borrowing money
to buy earrings, to keep his promise.
And the bitch wouldn`t accept them.
- How do you know this? -After a hearty drink...
You drink with someone, he opens his heart to you.
Though, there is a risk of opening your own heart.
l see.
So, you received the breathers? Did you check them?
We were told: `The breathers are fresh from the plant.`
We said: We have to check them.
They said: check any one at random.
-And the truck was honking. - Have you checked them?
- Only one. -Was it charged?
Yes...
Nelly, l propose to you, from my very heart.
Hey, Romeo, `twas not in the deal.
- You`ll break your neck. - Don`t worry.
Pick up your stuff. l`ve come foryou.
vanya and l are getting married.
l know that you love `me`.
Not him, but me.
vanya and l are getting married.
Nonsense! We`ll rectify it right now.
Hold it!
- Peter. - Shit!
Peter!
- Lieutenant Orlov! - Here!
- Come to me. - Yes, sir!
We`ll come back and get repaired.
- Take a seat. - Yes, sir!
Whom, in your opinion, shall we send?
A sailor is no advisor to a captain.
Sorry l hurt yourfeelings. l lost my nerve.
We need someone physically strong,
a good swimmer and diver, an experienced person.
And a person of moral integrity.
l know such a person. Captain lvan Muraviev.
l wanted to take your advice...
No, lvan,
it wants not moral integrity:
it wants a lucky guy.
Actually, everybody here is lucky,
unlucky ones are left behind the partition door..
- How about casting a lot? - Cards may be a better option.
Let`s play `fool`. A `fool` will go...
-With straps. - Everyone here is with straps.
But one...
`Young to Poupyr. P.S.
`Which in Greek means `see below`.
`Yesterday l drank the sea water. That`s something!
`Something you will never forget...`
`l`ll come back and tell you...`
Comrades... Officers... Brothers...
l have so much to tell you... Words fail me.
l have words, but they are not proper.
l thought real heroes
never existed, they were just made up by people.
But you are real heroes,
you are real Russian sailors.
Forgive me forthinking ill about you
once in a while...
Forgive me, that it is me who is going, and not...
Forgive me if you can. l will do my best
l will do my best to...
You asked me to sing a song,
but it is a Ukrainian song.
So you`re Ukrainian!
l knewjust as well!
And you said it was of no importance.
My mother was Ukrainian, my father no one knows who.
So, you asked me...
This is a 3 mm latex foryou.
Comrade captain,
may he take my cap, for extra warmth.
God be with you. Bend your head.
Comrade captain, may l write a note?
To be ashamed of it later? No notes!
Sit down. We need to remove airfrom the diving-suit.
Otherwise you will hit the surface like a cork.
Breathe quietly, slowly, okay?
With this you click onto moussings. and exhale 14 times.
Then you move up till the next moussing, okay?
Don`t be rush.
You crawl up and push the buoy in front of you.
As soon as you reach the front lid,
knock with this clevis.
One knock -you`re fine,
two knocks: we let in sea water and align pressure.
Three knocks: we open the front lid.
As soon as you are out, fix the clevis to a hook
on the left side of the hull. An eye-hole-like hook...
A hook like this...
Don`t forget to fasten it, or else you and us... Understand?
When you reach the surface,
quickly move this thing to the atmospheric breathing.
And yell at the top of your lungs,
to get rid of nitrogen in your blood.
Otherwise it will be caisson disease foryou.
Don`t remove your hydro-suit on the shore,
it will be heavy, at least you will not freez,
Take care of the breather
while crawling along the pipe.
Then keep on running, like a sprinting hippo...
You climb the hill and you`ll see the town below:
traffic lights, the curb...
You`ll walk along the curb And you`ll see a woman...
Awoman, and another woman.
Oh yeah!
Do it.
You may go free,
great people.
Oxygen left for 12 more hours.
Hey, Fresher.
Fancy for an orange?
l know this trick.
Then you`ll say: no oranges.
You`re wrong.
Presto!
Help yourself, sir.
Ticking on.
l`ve neverthought how great life is.
Nikolai, how are you?
l want to go to venice.
lt`s where Othello strangled his Desdemona.
Great foryou.
We`ll go sight seeing.
Only he strangled her in Cyprus.
What a shame.
`cause l want to go to venice...
Translated by Svetlana Kormashova